Tomic Riter

Tag: literature

  • Same old shit coming around.

    Had been away from my desk. Had been on the roof for three whole evenings and quarter nights. It wasn’t like I had anything important to do on the roof. I was just staring at the sky and feeling utterly cold out there and walking round and round in that little space and drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. I guess I was just tired of sitting at my desk. My roof is the only other space in my entire house where I can be found if I am not at my desk. Both places are equally sacred and equally damned for me. No hunger is felt until it’s close to midnight. No hunger all through the evening and afternoon. I am a beast poorly fed. I am a beast and I am confused about a whole lot of shit. Yesterday, drank too much again but the headache this morning wasn’t as severe as it was the last time I got drunk.Should I feel happy about it? How long before I stop writing about drinking and smoking and move on to other things. I really cannot say. For that, I cannot give you at date or a day or even a year. Hell, I cannot give that even to myself. I am so damned and out of my head all the time. Nothing electric happened today. What a goddamn waste of time. What a goddamn waste. Tomorrow might be a big day for someone, a frightening day for someone else. For me, it’s would be just another day with the same old shit coming around in new clothes.

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  • No need to go anywhere.

    nobody waiting for me
I light a cigarette whenever I want to
drink a beer whenever I want to
go wherever I want to whenever I want to
I have been with me for too long
I have been with me since the beginning
outside some shit going on
always some shit going on outside
what have I got to do with any of it
I am alright inside my little cave
no need to step out until morning
no need to go anywhere
just sit in my chair, and sometimes,
catch baby lizards and throw them out
the fan keeps whirling
stomped a moth with my ankle
it might rain again
more moths will come
nothing unusual
soon midnight
and then, yesterday.

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  • Such a place does exist.

    9 in the morning. Now, 12 noon. Took me two hours to write down a sentence. Windy outside. It hardly rains here. It rains for maybe 15 days in a whole year. Yeah, just 15 days of rain. Four years ago, it never user to rain here. Many died due to lack of livelihood or just lack of food or water. But I wasn’t here four years ago. I arrived here two and half years back. Life here is really slow. Nothing much going on. An annual festival used to happen here. Now even that has be scrapped off. In that festival, you could actually see people, so many people, otherwise you would never know so many live here. Strange place. No cinema halls, no great pubs or bars, definitely no nightclubs, no parks or museums or palaces, no libraries, no beaches or oceans or seas, no deserts, no shopping malls, no cafes, no universities. By now, you must be thinking that I am telling lies. You must be thinking, ‘How can such a place exist?’ Such a place does exist and I live in such a place. It’s a dry stretch of land far far away from all the cities and towns. You need some real balls to reach here. Moreover, you need real balls to live here. Many who end up here run away within a few months. It can get really lonely around here. For somebody who isn’t into any kind of art, this place might even drive him/her to suicide.

    You see, art can really save somebody. It has that potential. The possibility of death is always there, but so is the possibility of living. I think art can open the possibility to both. Art can make you so alive, you are ready to die any moment. I think that’s all we are trying to do to ourselves – elevating ourselves to a point where we can feel a sense of total freedom, absolute liveliness. I think wherever that point of total freedom lies, death isn’t far from there. I think death and freedom are intertwined in some way. I think birth is a cage, this body a cage, these eyes, this voice, these ears, dreams, all a cage, and freedom won’t really come from the ways of the mind.

    1 o’ clock noon. Still quite windy outside. Clouds gathering. It might rains again around 4. These days, it rains around 4 everyday. That’s it for now. Have a great time wherever you are.

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  • 40 Minutes to 20 Minutes.

    40 minutes. That’s all I have got today. 40 minutes of trash writing. What follows those 40 minutes, I have no idea. I think I will fall dead under a mountain. At least that’s the image I have in my head right now. Me drunk and dead under a mountain. Please do not read further. I have no idea what I am talking about. It’s the devil’s hands on the keys and tonight, he will be writing for all of you. Tonight I am on a holiday. I have given the keys to my home to that devil. Tonight I am barefoot on the road with just a glassful in my hands. Tonight I am done with this world and its people. Shit. I was wrong. I have got only 20 minutes. Shit shit shit shit shit. I am kind of falling, and this kind of falling one has to bear alone. A falling more psychological than physical in nature. Shit. I guess that’s it for now. Tonight, another date with Vincent’s letters, that is if I remain alive until then. Vincent, you motherfucker.

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  • Vincent Van Gogh, Letters, Coffee.

    Started reading letters of Vincent Van Gogh yesterday. Vincent has always fascinated me. His name is synonymous to madness. Checked several books on him and finally found the edition by Penguin classics. It looked good enough to start and so I started reading. Continuing to read as I write this. Reading his second letter known to man. It’s another feeling to imagine Van Gogh sitting wherever he sat and writing that letter. It makes me think, can I do the same? Can I write a letter? Maybe I can, but really, who will want to read my letters? And moreover, who would I like to send my letters to? Really, who would I want to send my letters too? And really, who would be waiting for my letters to arrive? Maybe some mad dog on some crooked road waiting for his next shot of adrenaline. Maybe such a dog, yeah, and if not him then nobody else would be waiting. Thinking of making another cup of coffee. This night will be spent like that – Van Gogh, coffee, cigarettes, no dinner probably. I need to change the music on my speakers. Changing now.

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  • Horror talk.

    Dogs barking on dark streets. Men barking from inside their homes, from their porches, women barking day and night. It’s strange, darkness makes men and women and dogs scream, as if the absence of light acknowledges the presence of horror of some kind. But what could that horror be. What could that be. It could be anything for any man or any dog. It could be something trivial or something colossal, and lets forget about the dogs (they aren’t the issue really). And if it’s colossal, then what makes it colossal for that man, because it’s all in the head, right? All in the head, big and small, horror and sweetness. When it gets dark and nothing can be seen, I think the mind wanders off to dire corners and alleyways. I think the horror is somewhere there, somewhere in those places, in that unfamiliarity, in those situations of unclear consequences. I think man has always been afraid of unclear consequences. If a consequence is known, however bad it might be, a man can still prepare for it. Man doesn’t like to leave a situation without answers. That would kill him. It takes something else to go through that. It takes more than the preparation of mind. It takes the strength of the spirit. Cigarettes and alcohol might help on the way to whatever that is, but cigarettes and alcohol aren’t the end in itself, because if they become the end, then the spirit has got nothing left to do but cry for the rest of time.

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  • Blood matter.

    Nothing happened today. Not even a single damn thing. Nothing at all except chasing pointless targets. The targets set by the capitalists. The targets robbing us of of our lives and our time. The targets not letting us sleep. I do not even remember if I masturbated today. Pathetic. Sometimes, life can really kill you. Life and all this living. Living like I am these days. No day or night. Only it’s just too windy all the time, and sometimes it rains and then it gets really cold. Not a bird seen in the morning. No sunsets. No sunrises. No road drives. No beaches or mountains. Just walking to my desk and then at night, walking back home. I am just trying to write something everyday. It might be complete bullshit but then who cares. Nobody reads anyways. Even if somebody does, he might decide to stop reading in no time. My words and my sentences won’t offer any comfort to them. Such are my words and my sentences. My own veins have turned blue writing them. My lips have dried, my wrists have broken. My wounds are healing and soon, new ones will find their way to me. I am never not scarred. Something always comes running after me to hack off my head. I am always in a fight although not each one gets bloody. But each one is no less real. The fight. All fights. The fight to live like I want to live. The only true fight there is. The only revolution that matters to me. My own personal revolution – to go against everybody and come out winning. They won’t acknowledge my win or even my fight or even that I ever fought when within me, I have been fighting each second of my life. I do not want this fight to end up bloody. The sight of blood at the scene would be of no consequence. The blood will dry and it will lose its pigment and even that will be of no consequence. The blood will be gone, hidden below their trampling footsteps and the noise of everyday death. But my fight will keep on in one way or another.

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  • Jazz, Paradox, Night.

    Rubbing my eyes off cigarette smoke. Rubbing my chest. Thinking about an orange sky. Listening to Layla. Layla. Layla. That goddamn guitar riff opening my eyes for the first time this evening. It’s nothing of an evening. Nothing much but it’s there. Words do not matter and yet I write words all the time. This whole life is like a paradox. I am dead and yet alive. I do not want and yet I want. I do not need but I do. I do not care but I do. I am tired and agile. I am fed up and I feel ecstatic. Tragedy brings me the joy nothing else can. Alcohol kills, cigarette kills, love kills, seeing anybody around kills, empty bottles kill me the same, empty cigarette packs too, lack of love is a straight rusted dagger through me. I am such a kind, walking in and out of existence, walking in and out of everybody’s lives. When I think about all the jazz, I feel that Coltrane was overrated. Dave Brubeck and Mal Waldron and Duke Ellington deserve more ears. Taking a walk in the corridor. Miles Davis playing Rubberband Of Life. Coming back dancing in my chair. Thinking about a million things. The wind outside, the leaves rustling, the night, this night. My head running through the events of the day once again to see if I missed out on anything. I don’t think I have but I am sure I have. Part of the paradox, I guess.

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  • These goddamn people.

    Every day this attempt to put down as much words as possible.It’s a strange evening. The music is here but I am somewhere else, stuck in the dump of trivialities once again. Drinking beer and lighting cigarettes hoping they would save me again. I don’t think they will. I really don’t. This time it’s different. This time I am going down for good. This is my last innings. I am finally at the edge of cliff having the last piss of my life. What a fucking music. What a music fucking me What a fucking fucking music. These goddamn people. Their very attitude towards life gives me headache. I am head down bleeding out of my stomach, the capitalist teeth tearing me to bits. Fuck. FUCK! Another swig of cold beer, Another cigarette. The devil is out of the box and he won’t go down easily. He is alive and he is laughing like he has never laughed before.

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  • From the graveyard.

    Four rounds of cigarettes and black coffee. Sometimes, five rounds of cigarettes and black coffee. Sometimes, everything goes berserk and I lose track of count and my room starts smelling like fire broke out. Saw a clear orange sunset after a lifetime. Saw it until the sky turned grey and finally disappeared. Then walked back into my room thinking about another round of cigarettes and black coffee. Soon midnight and the silly want of not falling asleep. Another round of cigarettes and black coffee will follow. Outside is quiet as if I live in a graveyard. Maybe I do. Lots of dead people around. It might not be a graveyard but it’s nothing less either. Equally full and equally empty. Equally scary. Even the tree leaves rustle like the tree leaves in a graveyard. Damn. Am I really living in a graveyard? I am sure ghosts have a sweeter tongue than these people. Almost midnight. Time to pack up and fuck off to my grave.

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