Tomic Riter

Tag: writing

  • Ramblings: Man alone

    Ramblings: Man alone

    Man is burdened with work. He is alone and sick. He cannot share anything with anybody. Nobody to share things with. He is just so alone and so sad. Each evening, he waits for the work to get over so that he can go home and be alone for the rest of night. He can go anywhere at night, be anyone at night. But he is just too tired. He doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. He doesn’t want good wishes or consolations or motivation. He wants his bed and he wants some rest. His spine aches, his mouth runs dry, his eyes are hurting all the time. He knows that the morning isn’t far. It’s on the way and like a demon, it’s coming right at him. He doesn’t want to think about the morning and about work. He hates work. He wants to give up and run away to some strange land and live on bare minimum. He wants to spend time in divine company. He is tired of running and hurting. He wants to take everything slow. He is waiting. Waiting. Waiting. He is waiting for the right time to leave everything behind. How would he know that the right time has come? How? I’ve got no clue. I’m as lost as he is, probably more.

    – Tomic

  • The Struggle of Waking Up Early: A Personal Journey

    The Struggle of Waking Up Early: A Personal Journey

    I had to wake up early this morning but I couldn’t. I had to wake up early yesterday morning but I couldn’t. I had to wake up early on all the mornings before and I didn’t. I couldn’t. Do you understand how it feels to wake up failing?

    During the day, the mind keeps itself busy at work. The work continues for most of the evening. It is only after late evening that I begin to regret for not waking up early morning. There are tasks that are better done early morning than late night. Walking. Exercising. Writing a bit. Reading a bit. Meditating on a form.

    Once I’m back from work, my body is tired. My eyes hurt. My mind feels heavy. Severe back pain. All I care about is eating and resting. I am unable to put my body and mind to another heavy activity. I just want to sit in my chair, listen to good music, maybe have a drink or two, and when it’s time to lay in bed, I lay in bed and close my eyes.

    Every morning I put three alarms and I fail to get up from bed on all three. I hope that I wake up early tomorrow morning and break this dumb cycle. I believe that a productive early morning would lead to a much more fulfilling day.

    – Tomic

  • Understanding Silence: A Journey Within

    Understanding Silence: A Journey Within

    Complete silence. Utter silence. Silence that is too loud. Does it make you lose your balance? Does it make you feel dizzy? Does it scare you? Does it make you cry? Does it make you feel disconnected with the material world?

    There’s a ball of light within me. Sometimes when I sit in complete silence for long periods, I feel that ball of light moving from hand to leg to other hand to other leg to chest to stomach. I can only see the ball of light with my inner eye. I understand if none of this makes sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either. But some experiences become unforgettable. This is one such experience of mine.

    Whenever I sit in complete silence with eyes closed for more than twenty minutes, I start losing connection with my body. I stop feeling my body. This feeling scares me. Whenever I open my eyes, I feel lighter. Sometimes my eyes become wet. Often, it’s difficult to make rapid and large movements in the body.

    – Tomic

  • Detachment: A hard earned lesson

    Detachment: A hard earned lesson

    There’s a pattern. A beautiful pattern. The pattern repeats itself for days, months, even years. One day something happens and it causes the pattern to break. Sometimes the pattern breaks in such a way it makes a man go insane.

    Man is not prepared for such a sudden disturbance in his life. Man was happy in his world. Suddenly he isn’t. Man was fearless. Suddenly, he isn’t. He is afraid. Sometimes, he is even paranoid. He fears he might break something. He cannot calm his mind. He cannot control the movement of his limbs. He cannot choose the words coming out of his mouth. He is deteriorating more and more with each passing second. There comes a moment when he stops functioning like a sane man.

    There’s a beautiful pattern in a man’s life. Different men have different patterns. But each man has his own beautiful pattern dear to him. When the pattern breaks, the man breaks with it. Different men break to different extent. Some break to some extent. Some break down completely. Some break very little. Some do not break down at all. Detachment.

    – Tomic

  • Battling Addiction: One Day at a Time

    Man in leather jacket drinking coffee beside a café window

    Slept around 4:55 am. Woke up at around 5:15 pm today. What’s wrong with me. When I tried to wake up, my back started aching badly. It felt as if an infection is travelling upwards through the spine and not letting me move. It was a strange sensation.

    Haven’t smoked in a day. I feel the urge to smoke but I won’t. Or maybe just one. No I won’t. Just one maybe. No. Just one. Won’t. One. No way. No fucking way.

    The fight is ugly and real. I’m closing my eyes and listening to something pleasant. I love the music of Hermanos Gutierrez. It captures that fleeting feeling. It captures that long stretch of time when nothing much gets done and days feel the same and the observer is doing what he does best – observing.

    9:05 pm. Sleep won’t come tonight. I know it won’t. The weather brings nothing except melancholy. Man is sick but he can’t rest. There’s much to do. There’s people to look after. There’s duty to carry out. Man is sick and dying. Sometimes he finds rest only in his grave.

    – Tomic

  • Late Night Reflections: Nature and Nostalgia

    Yesterday evening at around 5:30, I went to the river. Sat there for almost three hours. When I looked at the gently flowing river, I felt my heartbeat slowing. I’m glad that there are places in nature that offer such silence. It isn’t the kind of silence that one fears. I sat near the flowing waters and meditated. Before last couple of months, I used to go there every weekend. I missed going there and yesterday evening, I was so glad to be back there.

    Sometimes the evidence of divine is experienced but not in the ways in which a logical mind would understand. Not everything in this world seems logical. I feel that not everything in this world has to be logical. The most bizarre experiences of our lives keep challenging our logical frameworks. When I sat near the river with closed eyes, I felt this profound stillness within me. Everything fell quiet.

    After sunset, I drove to a bar nearby. Had a beer and roasted fish while I listened to some old melodies from the 90s. I love to sit in places that do not bother me. I love cafes and eateries that aren’t too crowded, and so I do not have to be in a rush to eat and pay bill and leave. I like to take my time. I like to observe things around me. I like to talk a bit with strangers. I do not want to do much of other stuff.

    I returned home at around 9 at night. On my laptop, I saw these people from the 8th century raiding and massacring everywhere. They’re popularly known as Vikings. Not much of anything else was done that night.

    – Tomic

  • Reflections on a Foggy Night

    How hard can it be to close eyes and simply sit. Speaking of eyes, my eyes are heavy with sleep. And yet, tonight, I want to write something.

    Now, 11:00 at night. Today, a friend’s birthday. Yesterday, he met with an accident while he was riding his motorcycle. At around 11:30 yesterday night, four of us drove to the spot of accident and somehow brought his damaged motorcycle home, parked it.

    Yesterday night, the fog was thick. Those ghostly roads were without any heart. Luckily, we came back without trouble. Upon returning, I found that my clothes were damp with mist. I looked towards the flyover that ran across the highway. The bright streetlights dimmed by thick fog. Fog was flowing on the highway like white river. The headlights of passing vehicles looked like floating candles or lamps.

    Later that night, I woke up around 2:45 and ran to the toilet and screamed with my mouth in the commode.

    – Tomic

  • Reflections on Life: Embracing Small Moments

    Went to sleep at 5 in the morning. The entire night was spent in this small cafe with a couple of knows faces, discussing about small mindedness, mental health, curiosity, depression among other things.

    Around 4:45 in the morning, the fog started settling over the town. I wished to drive back home, bring my camera and come back and click a few pictures. When I got home at 5:00 in the morning and finally laid down, I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I had put an alarm to wake up at 6:30 in the morning to take my camera and go outside. I woke up at 3:00 in noon and finally got up from bed at 5:00 in the evening. All my day gone sleeping.

    Every man struggles. Every man struggles. Every man struggles. It’s why I never say anything about someone else. It’s why I never form opinions about someone else. in fact, It just doesn’t make sense to me to form opinions anymore.

    I live my life. I like to remain busy with my own learnings and unlearnings of life. Now that I understand things in a better way, I’ve grown quieter. I understand perspectives that may not be my own. Now, I can feel just how vast the universe is and I’m just this small piece of life in it, significant nonetheless. And even if I’m not significant, I’m happy to be here. For now, that is enough for me.

    Tonight, fog settles over the town much earlier. Now, it’s 11:00 at night. Maybe I’ll wait a couple of hours more before heading out with my camera.

    – Tomic

  • The Transformative Power of Classical Music

    Listening to this raga late night. The atmosphere of the room is so relaxing. I’m dozing off while I’m sitting in my chair. There’s something magical about this music. I do not know what it is. I just want to sit back and feel the music and let go of everything. Few minutes back, I fell asleep in my chair. The music was like lullaby in my ears. Now, yawning. Again. Again. And again. One more time. This music is the purest narcotic there is. I’m transported to some place else. Rather, this place is transformed into some other, more magical and more magnificent place. I wish I broke down into tears now. It would feel amazing to break down into tears now. I wish to cry for hours. I think it along with this music can purify me.

    No tears last night. Another day now. It’s evening now. Sitting naked in my chair. Listening to this beautiful raga by Sultan Khan and Zakir Hussain. Rag Bhupali. It’s an evening raga. There’s music that’s made from the threads of human consciousness. This is one such piece of music. When you listen to it, it deposits deep in your spiritual core. It touches you in places you never thought you had within you. Imagine the world has ended and you are floating in this infinite emptiness and suddenly you get filled with this pleasant feeling. If there’s a path to feel the divine energy through music, I think it’s through the path of classical music. No modern music seems to reach in those places within us.

    A call. Need to leave this here as it is.

    – Tomic

    Spotify link to the track Rag Bhupali –

  • From Rain to Restaurant: A Night Out in the Downpour

    that day, I had drenched in rain twice already
    the damned rain
    I was sick of it
    give me desert
    throw me in the hot sands of Thar
    I was saying all this to myself
    rather, I was screaming 
    but the sky doesn't hear
    the sky is deaf and stupid
    and it won't stop crying until it's done
    tired of getting drenched, I stopped at
    a friend's shop late evening 
    and sat for a while
    'Nothing seems to be working out'
    said my friend to me while we sat and talked
    'Seems so' I replied
    he ordered coffee, a cup, just one
    the coffee came soon and I drank it
    it was still raining
    soon, a car arrived and my friend hopped in
    and they drove away, all four of them
    who they were, I had no idea
    I waited for a couple of minutes
    outside the shop in total darnkess
    it was still raining
    I said screw it and got on my motorcycle
    I drove to my favorite restaurant in town,
    a small one where not many came at night
    I sat, there was no electricity
    it was still raining
    'Eggs?' I asked the owner
    'Only chicken and fish tonight' he replied
    'Fish' I said
    I put on my earphones
    classical piano
    I needed classical on such nights
    I closed my eyes for a minute and listened
    a voice called my name
    I opened eyes, saw a friend sitting
    opposite to me
    'Tired?' he asked
    'Tired of rain, yeah. I want it
    fucking gone now' I replied
    'Yeah it has kind of spoilt the mood' he said
    we talked a bit
    fish came soon
    looked superb as always, roasted 
    'Fish of smaller waters is tastier' he said
    'That's very true' I said
    I ate slowly
    took me an hour maybe more
    it was still raining outside
    we talked about Indian classical music
    while I chewed on the soft bones
    of the delicious fish
    soon, a bouncer-like figure walked in, sat,
    waited for his takeaway, took it, paid
    and left
    'He's the bodyguard of a don' said my friend
    'Looks like it' I said
    I finished eating, my friend got up and left
    where he went, I had no clue
    I paid the bill
    it was still raining
    'How do I withdraw cash from my account
    if I do not have a card?' the owner asked
    as I started leaving
    'Why do you think I know the answer.
    I do not' I said
    it was still raining
    I ran outside to my motorcycle, sat and drove 
    back to home.

    - Tomic