This is probably not a good time. Feels like the year has come to an end, at least for me it has. Tomorrow begins a new year for me. Not much on my mind today. There’s this renewed energy in me to move in a new direction. Other than that, nothing. It’s better I stop doing everything and lay down. It’s better than falling asleep in this chair.
– Tomic
that day, I had drenched in rain twice already
the damned rain
I was sick of it
give me desert
throw me in the hot sands of Thar
I was saying all this to myself
rather, I was screaming
but the sky doesn't hear
the sky is deaf and stupid
and it won't stop crying until it's done
tired of getting drenched, I stopped at
a friend's shop late evening
and sat for a while
'Nothing seems to be working out'
said my friend to me while we sat and talked
'Seems so' I replied
he ordered coffee, a cup, just one
the coffee came soon and I drank it
it was still raining
soon, a car arrived and my friend hopped in
and they drove away, all four of them
who they were, I had no idea
I waited for a couple of minutes
outside the shop in total darnkess
it was still raining
I said screw it and got on my motorcycle
I drove to my favorite restaurant in town,
a small one where not many came at night
I sat, there was no electricity
it was still raining
'Eggs?' I asked the owner
'Only chicken and fish tonight' he replied
'Fish' I said
I put on my earphones
classical piano
I needed classical on such nights
I closed my eyes for a minute and listened
a voice called my name
I opened eyes, saw a friend sitting
opposite to me
'Tired?' he asked
'Tired of rain, yeah. I want it
fucking gone now' I replied
'Yeah it has kind of spoilt the mood' he said
we talked a bit
fish came soon
looked superb as always, roasted
'Fish of smaller waters is tastier' he said
'That's very true' I said
I ate slowly
took me an hour maybe more
it was still raining outside
we talked about Indian classical music
while I chewed on the soft bones
of the delicious fish
soon, a bouncer-like figure walked in, sat,
waited for his takeaway, took it, paid
and left
'He's the bodyguard of a don' said my friend
'Looks like it' I said
I finished eating, my friend got up and left
where he went, I had no clue
I paid the bill
it was still raining
'How do I withdraw cash from my account
if I do not have a card?' the owner asked
as I started leaving
'Why do you think I know the answer.
I do not' I said
it was still raining
I ran outside to my motorcycle, sat and drove
back to home.
- Tomic
I’m wearing my spectacles. There are raindrops on my spectacles. I’m trying to write something through the little spots that these raindrops have made on the glasses of my spectacles. It’s today’s challenge for me. I know it doesn’t meaning anything. Just saying.
It continues to rain through this evening and I think it will rain all night. I had planned to go on a long walk tonight. Now, I’ve forgotten about it. It isn’t happening tonight. It won’t be long before I’m asleep.
For the past few days, I’m recording my sleep pattern. I wake up every hour. Interesting! I wake up every hour, go to pee and get back under my blanket. The process repeats every night. Every night ends in morning. Interesting! I wake up late and rush to work.
Workplace can be an interesting place. It depends on the people working there and their bonding with each other. Ah what crap!
The time is 10:43 night. Listening to this song from 40s. It’s about a prostitute whose heart is broken, and she sings to his lover so that he doesn’t leave. But he has left. All that remains is the melodious singing of the prostitute who sits on the floor in the middle and sings all night to her patrons.
Where am I. What am I. This wind. This night. This moonlight. It’s all taken from some place else. I’m an imitation, a repetition. I scratch my beard in utter disgust and listen to this new song from 60s. Sung by a male, no less heart broken that that prostitute. What a song! What a night! What an incredible night!
– Tomic
no evidence of wings
no trace of sunlight
the sky is crying day and night
waiting for a spark of fire
eyes closed, knees bent, heart broken
I lay concentrated waiting to be diluted
this isn't my tune
this isn't my day
this life isn't my life
when will the sky stop crying
no amount of consolation works
no amount of thinking about it works
when the sky weeps, I weep
I'm so old and deserted
my home weeps
no weather can shatter me more
the quiet outside doesn't last
I comb my hair with the fingers
of my right hand
and die.
- Tomic
I was back there after a few nights. Back in the same cafe. Late night. A few of them were back there too, sitting, talking, making fun of each other. I took a seat outside and lit a cigarette. I was listening to Paterlini. Everything feels calm when I listen to his music. I closed my eyes for a moment. A strange sense of joy filled my chest. I couldn’t help but smile. The smile was a big one, and it lasted on my otherwise dull face for a good few seconds.
Soon, a friend walked in. He walked straight inside, talked to a few people sitting there, and then walked back to my place. He sat opposite to me. He had his earphones on. He was listening to something too, or maybe he was watching something on his phone. ‘What’s new?’ he asked. I nodded in no. I had nothing to say. I was floating in this calmness listening to the beautiful music of Paterlini. I wasn’t interested in engaging in any kind of conversation.
Soon, two more friends arrived. The time was 23:39. I didn’t plan to stay there till late. Maybe I’ll go home in fifteen minutes, I thought.
All four of us were sitting on the chairs outside with a couple of tables between us. We ordered coffee and pasta. I didn’t mind eating too much. I didn’t mind ordering more food. I hadn’t had a full meal in two days.
Our food kept arriving. We kept eating. Soon, a giant arrived. A virgin giant, that’s what everybody who knew him called him. He arrived on a rather puny motorcycle sitting between two of the most drunk men of the city. What is wrong with them today, each one of us were thinking inside our heads.
The two drunk men got off the motorcycle and climbed the stairs stumbling along the way to us. They both took the table next to mine and sat with their arms resting on their knees. They were breathing heavily as if they had just finished a half marathon.
The virgin giant was staring at all of us. He was a giant but he was young. He had strength but not the experience of life. He could deadlift 270 kilograms like it’s nothing. But when asked about what he would do with his life, he was as confused as any other young man.
He sat on the big empty space on the floor between our tables. ‘Today I make sure he loses his virginity’ shouted one drunk man pointing at him. The giant was a giant but in the moment he felt shy. Shy as if the drunk man was going to screw him in the ass. Shy as if he weren’t born with a dick. Shy as any wet cat would feel when spreading for the first time.
The virgin giant, out of shyness, hid his face, kept laughing. The two drunk men, got up and tried lifting him off the ground but failed. ‘Wait. Wait! I’ve got this whore waiting for you. Only for you. Now don’t make her wait for too long! Up up up. C’mon!’ one drunk man was shouting and laughing and scolding the virgin giant. The virgin giant felt embarrassed, he could hardly laugh.
It continued like that for an hour, after which, the virgin giant got up and ran away. His ass had turned red from embarrassment. It could be seen on his face when he was leaving. The two drunk men sat down in their places and continued to drink more, cussing and screaming and shouting. The friends began to leave one by one.
My time was ruined. I got up and tried to feel again that feeling of listening to Paterlini for the first time. I failed. I washed my hands and walked to my motorcycle. I sat on it and drove back home. The time was around 1:15 in the morning.
– Tomic
Been away for a long time. A while ago, I was sitting with this friend of mine in his shop’s backroom. We were talking about how something must be done soon. About what, we couldn’t say. But something must be done. That much is clear. It is as if everything has come to a standstill. It is as if we are alive but we do not feel so. Something, hence, must be done to feel alive.
But what. Should we start a new business. Should we make a youtube channel like many others. Should we make an instagram travel account. Should we start vlogging. The thing is that it isn’t enough to start something. The question is why start anything at all. What is compelling us to take on something new. Maybe because we are capable of doing far more that what we are currently doing.
Our conversation was cut short by the arrival of a third man, a nuisance, a menace to the society in general. At that point, we stopped talking. We let the third man talk. He was angry at something. About what, I didn’t wish to know. A million things anger me, but it’s not anyone’s business. Only mine.
Soon, the third man left. Our conversation couldn’t resume immediately upon his leaving. Something about that space had changed. Maybe our moods changed. Maybe we were too exhausted from the routine that we were unable to talk further.
Soon, the clock struck 9 o’clock. We got up, walked out of the shop, locked it behind us and we drove back to our homes as quietly as we could.
– Tomic
Today was another bad day. I woke up very late with pain in my thumb. Somehow, I fractured it a few days ago. I was in another town and one rainy morning, I slipped and fell on my ass while I was strolling downhill. A couple of folks gathered around me and helped me in getting up.
‘You ok man? Did you hurt yourself?’ asked a folk.
‘Oh I’m ok. I’m ok. Nothing serious. I think I can walk fine’ I replied as I stood up and brushed the dust and wet mud off my joggers and t-shirt with my palms.
I was wrong of course. It did hurt when I started to walk but I kept walking quietly. I didn’t ask for help. Generally, I ask for help only when the situation is dire. I have got endurance like no one else. I can take any kind of hurt now. I can observe my own pain and not feel stressed about it. So I kept walking and after walking for an hour, I reached home.
Upon reaching home, as I got into cold shower, it began to hurt in more places. As I dried myself with a towel, I felt my right leg hurting from top to down. As I lay down in my bed for some time, I could feel the pain sedate me. When my eyes opened up a couple of hours later, I couldn’t manage to even sit on the bed. I got down the bed somehow, and despite all the hurting, I got dressed and went on another stroll uphill.
The next morning, the pain was excruciating and I decided to go on a short trek through the woods. When I reached the top of the hill, I had unbearable pain in my body but when I saw the view of the hills and the incessant rain over the hills and the fog settling down on the whole city, I felt at ease. I sat there for three hours, doing nothing, witnessing the crazy rain wash everything. Then as the dusk came, I began my walk downhill. It was raining still. By then, my right palm was swollen. I guess I fell too hard on it.
© Tomic. All rights reserved.
I remember walking uphill. I remember beautiful symphonies. I remember the taste of bad beer and bad wine. I remember taking a nap under the sky while I lay on a huge boulder with a valley of emptiness beneath me. I remember feeling no pain then. I remember crying in closed rooms and then walking out of them without a trace of sadness on my face. I remember gulping down my anger. I remember feeling pissed off with the idiocy and hypocrisy of people everywhere. I remember waking up late every day, demotivated to go to work. I remember pain. I remember being in love. I remember my enemies well. I remember their hatred towards me. I remember being made fun of. I remember being nothing. I remember being a nobody. I remember this night when I get to writing once again.
© Tomic. All rights reserved.
The liver seems to be missing. The bladder has doubled in size. The eyes can’t take in too much light. Darkness is my old friend. It really feels strange when I feel my breath. I am alive. Alive! I take a deep breath. I look at you sleeping with a severe headache, your head in my lap. Blues playing in the background. Call me the Breeze. I close my eyes, my palm caressing your forehead. It’s getting harder and harder to focus. I wish to lay down next to you, holding you in my arms, warm. There’s still some time. Night time is the only time I have for myself. What’s wrong with me! Why can’t I have just one dream. I want everything. I accomplish nothing. I’m just a cog turning endlessly in a giant machine. I’m just a slave. Night frees me. Night gives myself back to me. I didn’t realise when the song changed. It happens every time.
– Tomic. All rights reserved.
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